Ed Tech Hacks

Recently I looked at my six year old son and became envious of his life.  The presures of adult hood were keeping me up at night.  So I wrote down some of the things that make 6 year olds wonderful.

Because was a strong thought provoking answer
When I cried in public it was okay.
I was only in debted to my friends
I didn’t have to be some where on time.
Mistakes only made me more cute
I was only concerned if my mom was unhappy with me.
I was happy to carry a semi close friends burdens.
I was closer to God than I knew.
I had minimal expectations and less was expected of me.
Only my toys depended on me to play with them.
I could sit next to a pretty girl without feeling sexual tension.
I slept through the night more often.
I loved without shame or pain.
I gave without the expectation of return.
I could ask my mother for something like money without a three hour lecture about how I’m living my life.
I couldn’t wait to grow up but I wasn’t in a hurry.
I found others who had all the answers.
I believed in Super Heros – pretended to be one when things went wrong in the world.
I didn’t have to get on a plane to go to a different place in the world.
No matter what happened at school that day I knew life would still be in front of me.
I idolized my older brother even though he disliked me.

I was not innocent but innocence seemed to still be with me…

When you are in a relationship stage that is often referred to as the “magic” stage, you do not often reflect on your insecurities.  Experiencing failures in your past relationships can create an abundance of negative feelings about your ability to be successful in a relationship.  Back when I was about 12 years old I played Police Athletic League (PAL) football, the previous season our team won 3 games and lost 7 for the second year in a row.  So when the new coach took over, one of the first things he needed to do was change the culture and mind set of the players.  Coach began this transformation by teaching us the difference between success and confidence.  During our first team meeting the coach asked us “men what’s more important, success or confidence?”  Thinking that we knew everything about how to be successful we unanimously yelled “Success.”  Coach then immediately blew his whistle and said run!  As we were running around the field we were all confused wondering what we said that was wrong.  When the coach blew the whistle again to have us stop running and gather around him he asked the question again, but his time half of the team responded with the same force and same word.  Coach again blew his whistle and told us to run…during this mile we vowed to say success when we reconvened.  The third time coach asked us to solve the mystery we unanimously yelled success…coach smiled, blew his whistle again and told us to run one more time.  So what’s more important?  Success is by far.  Having success in your ability to select the best relationship partner no matter the final outcome will improve your ability to sustain self worth and exercise patience when choosing another relationship partner.  So who is responsible for your relationship self esteem, you or your partner?

In the movie Hitch starring Will Smith the character played by Kevin James hired a date coach to help him with his awkwardness in meeting and romancing a woman.  Hitch being the date coach, taught his familiar tricks to James’ character, which allowed him to break the ice and get a date with his love interest.  But what eventually worked in the end was James’ character revealed his true self, thus winning the affection of his love interest.  Although, the premis of this film placed emphasis on using gender routines like those mentioned in the book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,” in the long run these routines do not lead to increased affection.  What works no matter the gender situation is reciprical self-disclosure.  Being comfortable enough with yourself to reveal the hidden aspects of who you are increases the affection others hold toward you.  So dump the tricks and learn how to be comfortable with who you are…doing this will give others the chance to see behind the curtain and love you for who you are, not who you present yourself to be.

I heard a loud noise outside of my basement window and became concerned.  When I looked out of the window to see what the commotion was, it was my wife driving on a flat tire.  I immediately jump off the couch and went outside to put on the spare tire.  As I was replacing the flat tire the thoughts going through my head went from can we afford new tires?  How much will they cost?  The current tires were only two years old with a 40,000 mile warranty, and I know we did not drive 40,000 miles yet so did the warranty include the tread?  Or only guarantee it wouldn’t explode on the highway?

This situation happens often when you have things that require maintenance so planning for them to fail is important.  We don’t associate with many families that hold this same mentality, in fact the culture we both came from practiced crisis management rather than planned management.  So what would happen to a family that doesn’t save for these regular maintenance problems?

I remember when I was a young boy I really wanted this toy Aircraft Carrier with five Styrofoam flying airplanes so bad the anticipation of waiting was excruciating.  I remember saying that I had to have it now instead of waiting for Christmas and it was July.  So I worked on my mother everyday in the months of July and August to get her to buy me that toy.  By September it worked and she surprised me with it one weekend.  When I first saw it I was thrilled that my pestering tactics worked out.  But when I began to play with the toy I quickly lost interest in its limited options and I completely stopped playing with it within two weeks.  How does this example compare to a relationship?  Often times we pick a person to date for a plethora of reasons such as their looks or their socioeconomic standing rather than if he/she is going to be the best partner for us.  So when we finally get that person to notice us or perhaps date us we begin to walk through the process of seeing if they are able to meet some of the expectations we fantasized about.  If you find the reality of the person falls short of the fantasy, is the problem the person or our expectations?

I was asked today if I participated in the Marade for Martin Luther King Jr.  The celebration of MLK by marching through city streets and wear colors or some symbols that represent the fight for equality is a very noble endeavor.  However, I choose to celebrate the principles of the man rather than the man himself.  I often talk about a short story that dramatically affected my life titled “Everyday Use,” this story authored by Alice Walker talks about a southern family, specifically about two sisters.  Both sisters grew up in the same house but one chose to continue her education in a city up North; Chicago.  While the Chicago sister received praise and rewards for the work she performed, the other sister stayed home and lived under the principles and daily practices of the home.  When the northern sister came home one summer to visit she asked her mother to give her a rug that her mother was known to make by hand.  The mother asked her northern daughter why she wanted the rug and what it would be used for?  Because the mother needed to understand what type of fabric needed to be part of this rug depending on how it was going to be used.  The northern sister replied “I want one of your rugs so I can put it on my wall and have a memento of my upbringing and always be reminded of where I come from.”  The mother was polite but  reluctant to make the rug for the northern daughter, saying “honey, I make the rugs we have around the house because we need them they are for everyday use not to be put on a wall…the purpose that rugs have is to have them on the floor to help wipe the foot, dry the foot, cover the hard cold barren floor, etc…the rugs I make are for these purposes I don’t know how to make a rug to hang on a wall.”

How many of us need a reminder of where we come from?  Perhaps an even better question is…why do I need this reminder?  In this country where discrimination is practiced everyday and I hear, read about and see on television and movies about how people are treated…I often ask myself where do I come from?  I come from a household of three…my mother my brother and me.  My father was killed two months before I was born.  My brother was older and he had a different father that chose not to be a part of his or our lives.  My mother chose not to re-marry and instead chose to walk on the path to personal growth through her life passion…medicine.  Mother graduated medical school at the young but mature age of 34.  I was beginning my senior year in high school when she graduated top of her class from the University of Colorado medical school in 1981.  What does this have to do with participating in the Marade?  I can hear my daughters, 16 and 10 and son 6 years old saying, dad move on with the story…how can I do that when this is where I come from.

Honoring people like MLK and those that decided to actively participate in the civil rights movement through organizations such as the NAACP, SCLC and SNCC are honored by our mere existence in the world of work.  The levels and methods of differentiation throughout the history of this country are about the world of work and opportunity.  After reading the “Souls of Black Folks,” by W.E.B. DuBois I realized that this battle has been fought since the inception of the nation.  What is a person, rather human, without their work?  The only thing we leave on this planet is our work…reference the famous Salmon migration every year….my mother was called by life circumstances to the work she performs expertly today.  By working she honors me and my now deceased brother, father, grandfather and grandmother (maternal).

She makes time for others outside of work when she can and at her choosing but mostly my mother is about her work.  She learned this level of work ethic despite her upbringing where her father was smart and would have performed well in college but wasn’t allowed to attend because of his race.  Her bigotry stems from his and her experiences living in Topeka, Kansas during the time of the Brown vs. the Board of Education landmark case.   My mother is a living example of why that case was important to our nation not just black students.   As a Neonatologist (a pediatric specialty) she affects the lives a thousands of people everyday.  Without the opportunity to demonstrate her talent and skill and validate and refine this skill under a formal education process she may not have been afforded the formal chance to be the inspiration, healer, friend, teacher and working professional she is today.  People that use their work ethic and take the chance to do what they were called to do despite or perhaps even better said in spite of the odds or obstacles are the ones that are honored during an event like the Marade.

I choose to go to work everyday as a way to honor my mother, MLK, Medger Evers, Thurgood Marshal, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, W.E.B. DuBois, because they fought for and died for my option to work everyday and make a good living doing so.  These people lived as examples of using their talents everyday without concern for how they look, how it looks to others, or for me to put all my accomplishments on a wall so I can see where I come from…these people were and are everyday people using their God given talent  as their legacy.  I hope to honor them by leaving the same legacy. I get to go to work!

Nine hundred and 99 out of every 1000 romantic relationships end up with one partner or the other, sometimes both, terminating the relationship.  Productive management of conflict in your romantic relationships will increase your odds of success.  Avoiding conflict in your romantic relationship will almost assuredly make you one of those 999 individuals who fail. Despite what you might have believed up to this point, conflict in romantic relationships is not a bad thing.  On the other hand, it is not a good thing.  What makes conflict a bad or good thing is how the conflict is managed in a relationship.  If there is verbal abuse, hitting, or threatening, then conflict is a bad thing and you should terminate the relationship.  However, if two romantic partners deal with conflict through honest and open communication it can be very productive. I have found it very useful to remember what I call the three “Ns” of conflict.  Conflict is NORMAL, NECESSARY, and NATURAL. Claiming that conflict is NORMAL means that it is the norm in our society in that everyone does it. Those who claim they don’t have conflict in their romantic relationships are either lying or they are actively avoiding conflict.  The conflict still exists, they just are not coping with it.   Conflict in romantic relationships is NECESSARY because research has shown that productive conflict leads to a higher level of understanding of one another and one’s partner.  In a nutshell, conflict leads to individual and relational growth. To claim that conflict in NATURAL mean that humans, according to evolutionary biologists, are biologically predisposed to have conflict.  All humans are “hard-wired” in that way.  Without the willingness and ability to engage in conflict our prehistoric ancestors would probably never have survived the early periods of human history.  Sorry, but there is no magic formulae that you can follow that will always result in a positive resolution of differences with your romantic partner.  Just remember the three Ns and do a little reading on productive conflict management in romantic relationships.  There are dozens of great books out there. Good luck, and remember the famous saying, “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”